


Hanging by a moment

by Little_Lost_Penny



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: M/M, Minor Chae Hyungwon/Shin Hoseok | Wonho, jookyun - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-01-23 12:51:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18550129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_Lost_Penny/pseuds/Little_Lost_Penny
Summary: If any of them were to move just an inch, if they were to ever touch in a moment like this one, everything they've built around them would crumble.





	1. 1

_I'm living for the only thing I know_  
I'm running and not quite sure where to go  
and I don't know what I'm diving into  
just hanging by a moment here with you __

__They’re very close, sweat drenched foreheads almost touching. Wide eyes locked on each other's, pupils blown by adrenalin and a cocktail of emotions neither care to name.  
Moist lips parted as they inhale, breathing hard and erratic, chests rising until they're centimetres apart, and then falling again, separating slow and agonizingly._ _

__If any of them were to move just an inch, if they were to ever touch in a moment like this one, everything they've built around them would crumble._ _

__The crowd erupts in cheers, the moment shatters, pieces falling in an all too familiar way at their feet, and the world starts moving around them again, as it always has._ _

__Changkyun moves first, he looks away, trusts his body backwards as if the air around Jooheon burned and runs to the other side of the stage, smiling as wide as he can, thanking the crowd for their support, for their love, for everything he can think of - that's the best way to stop thinking of anything else._ _

__*_ _

__They're leaning onto each other, Changkyun's head on Jooheon's shoulder and their hands linked over his knee, and the interviewer keeps asking questions as if seeing them like that was the most natural thing in the word - which it is, actually, somehow._ _

__“So, we heard you guys are working on new music?”_ _

__Jooheon smiles brightly and nods._ _

___“We are, actually.”_  
“Really cool stuff...” Changkyun adds.  
“You'll flip when you hear the new tracks...” Jooheon continues, following the trail of Changkyun’s voice as if it was his own.  
“They're lit.” Finishes the younger one. 

__The interviewer smiles, Hoseok sends them an amused look, as if them finishing the other's sentences was not something they did on regular basis.  
On the list of the things Changkyun and Jooheon did on regular basis, finishing each other’s sentences was nothing special; they did that and also everything else, from the hand-holding to the hugs and kisses on the cheek and the inner jokes and taking an insane amount of pictures together to post on social media._ _

__Then the camera stops rolling, and they’re each on one side of the room, not looking at each other until it’s time to start their little show again._ _

__It’s driving the other members insane._ _

__They have spent the rainy London afternoon huddled together in Kihyun’s hotel room, watching bad movies and eating take-out. It’s comfortable, being all together like that, they usually don’t have that much time when they’re on tour and they like to make the best of it._ _

__Maybe that’s why Kihyun waits until they’ve all left to their respective rooms to grab Changkyun before he can do the same._ _

__“Sit.” He commands “We need to talk.”_ _

__Once they’re both seated on the floor, backs against the bed, Kihyun turns to the other guy. He looks almost nervous and all kinds of horrible things start to pass through Changkyun’s mind._ _

___“Whatever it is just say it.” The younger one says finally._  
“Stop this thing with Jooheon.”Kihyun says finally “Just admit what’s going on and stop the pantomime.”  
“There’s nothing…”  
“Bullshit. What are you so scared of? 

__He looks angry and sad and worried all at the same time and Changkyun can’t bring himself to lie to him._ _

__“Everything?” He whispers, scared to even voice it out loud “It’s one thing to put up a show for the fans, but if they ever suspected it was real…”  
“Oh God. Nobody suspects, Changkyunnie, they all KNOW. You’re not that good of an actor.”_ _

__A fear like he’s never felt before grips Changkyuns insides then; hearing it from someone outside his own head makes it too real to ignore._ _

__“If they knew... it could ruin everything. Everything we have worked for, our future, if they ever thought what we… it could all go to hell, it could…”  
“Hush.” Kihyun lands a hand softly on his shoulder to calm him down “Stop overthinking it. You can’t keep putting up a show to please people and then fear they’ll turn on you for telling them it’s real, our fans will understand, they’ll celebrate it even, and if they don’t…well, then screw them.”_ _

__Changkyun’s eyes widen as far as they go and he stares at his band mate in awe._ _

__“Don’t get me wrong, obviously I didn’t mean… but you’re a person too, eh? You can’t keep trying to please everyone but yourself.” He leans in and presses his forehead to the younger’s “If it comes to the worst, we’ll stand by you, okay?”_ _

__Changkyun closes his eyes and inhales sharply. He can hear Kihyun’s soft breathing and feel the reassuring weight of his hand on his shoulder and it’s like someone just wrapped him in the softest blanket to keep the fear away._ _

__“Maybe it’s just me” he murmurs “Maybe Jooheon…”  
“Maybe Jooheon is thinking the exact same thing.”_ _

__They stay like that for what seems like forever, and morning finds them curled up on the floor, tangled in each other, Kihyun’s arms draped protectively around Changkyun._ _

__*_ _

__“Are you stoned?”_ _

__Jooheon looks up from the notebook on his lap and frowns._ _

__“I’m writing.”_ _

__Changyun eyes the ashtray that lies on the floor next to the other boy and raises an eyebrow._ _

__“We’re in London Changkyunnie, it’s not illegal here.”  
“I was not…” he sighs and walks up to the other boy, taking a seat beside him on the floor, and grabs the joint and lighter from the ashtray._ _

__Jooheon eyes him suspiciously as he lights it and takes a long drag._ _

__“What are you writing?”  
“Lyrics, but I’m a little stuck. Wanna help?”_ _

__Jooheon starts rapping softly, unsure, reading the lyrics as he goes, and Changkyun closes his eyes to concentrate better._ _

__“I like that line” He says suddenly “Can I add something?”_ _

__They trade the joint for the notebook and Changkyun writes something down, and then starts reading the lyrics again. It goes on like this for hours, both of them sitting on the floor, sharing a joint and writing lyrics; this is what they do best. And they smoke and write and rap until they’re both rolling on the floor with laughter._ _

__“God man I missed this” Jooheon says, whipping the tears form the corners of his eyes, smile never leaving his lips._ _

__Jooheon smiles with all his body, Changkyun notices; you can see that he’s smiling even if you’re not looking at his face, and when he laughs, God, when he laughs. There’s nothing Changkyun wouldn’t do for that laugh._ _

__“You’re staring”_ _

__Changkyun shakes his head and clear his throat, but Jooheon is suddenly serious, looking at him as if he wants to say something important but doesn’t know how to start._ _

__“I...”_ _

__He’s so close now, his eyes fixed on Changkyun’s like he’s all there is in the world. This is how it is, usually; the moment engulfs them completely, fogging their minds, scorching and all-consuming like a tidal wave.  
They stare at each other, the distance between them disappearing with each shaky breath. The air around them is electrified and dense, making their heads spin with dizziness. They have been here before, in this moment when just one more step could change the game forever. And he could take it, Changkyun thinks, he could take that stupid little step and close the distance between them and seize the moment and they could face whatever comes next together._ _

__Jooheon moves first, bringing his face only inches away from his maknae’s, and Changkyun sees it there; Jooheon’s eyes are clouded by desire, pupils dilated and blown, lips parted and inviting, everything in him is calling Changkyun to come closer, just one small movement and then…_ _

__…then people will find out, they will be dropped by their record label, they will miss their chance at being big and drag the other members with them. The image is so clear in his head that it covers Jooheon’s face completely._ _

__Changkyun stands up abruptly and leaves the room without looking back._ _


	2. 2

2.

 _Desperate for changing_  
Starving for truth  
I'm closer to where I started  
I'm chasing after you

                Hyungwon is hanging on to Hoseok’s neck, head thrown back and arms stretched out and laughter loud and carefree. His eyes are closed as he dances, but every now and then Hoseok makes a move that shakes them both and makes him almost loose his footing, and then the laughter turs into a grin and his eyelids separate ever so slightly and Hyungwon stares at the other man with an intensity that Changkyun has never seen before. Has it always been there? Is it just his inebriated mind playing games with him? Is he really that desperate? Could he be going insane?

He rests his head against the back of the leather sofa and groans, closing his eyes and rubbing his face with his hand.

                “So.” A familiar voice says suddenly, loud and clear over the sound of the music. “What is it?”

Changkyun opens his eyes and stares at Hyungwon, now occupying the spot next to him on the sofa.

                “What’s what?”

                “You were staring.”

                “I was not.”

Hyungwon raises an eyebrow, unimpressed, and takes a sip from Changkyun’s drink, making a face and placing it back on the glass table.

                “Fuck, you must really be having a hard time if you’re drinking that.”

                “I’m not having a hard time; I don’t know what you have against…”

                “Look.” Hyungwon straightens his back and leans closer until their foreheads are almost touching. “I’m going to tell you a secret.”

                “Wha-…”

                “Shhh. I know you think we don’t know what’s going on, but we do. We have talked about it, Hoseok and Hyunwo and Kihyun and Minhyuk and I, when you’re not in the room. We tried to play it cool and let you figure it out but it’s not working, and I’m tired of this bullshit so I’m going to tell you a secret and let you figure the rest out, okay?”

Changkyun wants to ask what he is talking about, even though he kind of already knows, but the other man’s expression is so serious that all he can do is swallow and nod.

                “Okay, so, what do you think Hoseok and I did when we went to Paris to film that video for From Zero?”

                “I… tourism? I don’t know, what does this have to do with anything?”

                “Fuck.” Hyungwon says flatly, eyes never leaving Changkyun’s. “We fucked. Well, tourism too, of course, but mostly we fucked.”

There’s no music anymore. There’re no people and there’s no oxygen and suddenly the air around them is unbearably hot and Changkyun’s throat is dessert dry and his eyes sting and his voice has left his body and all he can do is open and close his mouth uselessly as he stares unblinking at the man before him.

                “We were going to tell you guys once the tour was over, not the fucking part of course, but that we were… a thing, but you didn’t seem to be able to figure out your shit on your own so I thought it might help you to know that you’re not the only one that went through…” He makes a gesture with his hands, moving them in the air as if showing something invisible “…all this. You know? I know you’re scared but believe me, as bad as you’re feeling now, not doing anything will feel even worse.”

                “I, um, what? How? I mean…”

Hyungwon rolls his eyes and grabs Changkyun’s drink again.

                “It happens, okay? You’re not the first nor the only one to be in this situation, but you do have to do something about it before it goes to shit and it’s too late to fix it.”

Changkyun takes the glass from Hyungwon’s hand and drowns it, grimacing and shaking his head. He runs his fingers through his hair and takes a deep breath, trying to process the information as he forces the mental image of his bandmates being intimate out of his head.

                “Does anyone know?” He asks finally.

Hyungwon shakes his head.

                “You’re not supposed to know either, okay? I just told you because… You have the right to feel scared of messing up, more than any of us, even.” His gaze softens and he leans in, leaning his head on Changkyun’s shoulder softly. “I know what happened at No.Mercy is still hanging over your head, and I am so, so sorry, but please believe me when I tell you that we have your back, okay? If I can be with Hoseok the way I am it’s because I know that whatever happens we won’t have to deal with it alone, and you must believe me when I tell you that it goes for you too.”

                “What if people find out?” Changkyun breathes, voice almost breaking “What if…”

                “People don’t care, Kyunnie.” Hyungwon cuts him off “Nobody’s surprised by the expression of a feeling anymore, at least not here.”

                “And back home?”

                “As long as we can count on each other, it’ll be fine, and one day we’ll be so big that it won’t matter what people think, and we’ll be able to do whatever we want, like G Dragon and T.O.P.”

Changkyun leans back to stare at Hyungwon, dumbfounded.

                “What?”

                “Don’t tell me you don’t think they’re together.”

                “What? Fuck, no. Why do you think that?”

Hyungwon laughs and lets his body relax against the soft leather cushions.

                “Everybody knows.”

                “You’re making that up.”

                “Maybe. Who cares? Don’t you watch the news? People make things up all the time, so really, who cares about the truth? People are going to believe whatever they want anyways.”

Changkyun stares at him blankly for a moment. He bites his lip,  tries to force the right words our of his mouth, but realizes that he doesn’t know them, that everything he can think of seems stupid and simple and doesn’t even begin to cover everything he’s feeling right now,  so he settles for the simplest and most heartfelt thing he can come up with.

                “Thank you.” He whispers.

And even thought it doesn’t seem to be enough, Hyungwon smiles at him in a way that makes him feel like it is.

                “Won, I’m going to bed.”

The new voice brings the two men back to the moment and looking around Changkyun can see that the bar is almost empty and Hoseok is standing before them, staring down sheepishly.

                “I know it’s difficult for you but please try not to be too noisy when you come to the room.”

Hyungwon throws him a nasty look that soon melts into a smile that looks too sweet to be genuine.

                “I’m going to bed too.” He says, stretching his arms towards Hoseok “Carry me.”

The other man seems taken aback for a moment. He looks around, concerned, but Hyungwon doesn’t move and Changkyun bursts into a fit of giggles that make him relax visibly.

                “Don’t laugh, you’ll encourage him.” Hoseok says, and sighs as he turns around and kneels, offering his broad back to Hyungwon “I’m sorry Changkyunnie, but not even I can carry you both.”

Changkyun smiles and shakes his head, standing up and stretching his back.

                “Don’t worry hyung, I’m not that lazy.”

                “I resent that.” Hyungwon murmurs. Looping his arms around Hoseok’s neck and his legs around his middle “You got this, okay?” He winks.

Changkyun watches them leave and it’s so clear that he wonders how he could not see it before.

The room is dark and silent when he closes the door behind him. The moonlight slips through a slit between the curtains and bathes Jooheon’s sleeping face in white, ethereal light. He takes his shoes and his clothes off and sits on his bed as quietly as he can, eyes falling to the sleeping form on the other bed. He looks much younger than he is when he sleeps, his cheeks look rounder and his lips bigger and his expression even softer, if possible.  He realizes that he likes this sight because it’s familiar and comforting, that everything about Jooheon is familiar, that he knows all his gestures, all his expressions, well, almost. But he wants to, he wants to know them all, he wants as bad as he’s ever wanted anything in his life.

The thought crosses his mind like a flash of thunder, bright and loud and clear, but gone in an instant: he wants Jooheon more than he want’s the fame. Somewhere along the road his dreams all converged in the person that sleeps in the bed next to his, and it scares him to death.

                “What are you doing, dude?”

Jooheon doesn’t open his eyes, and his voice is so soft that Changkyun could have missed it if the room hadn’t been as quiet as it is. But he heard, and he knows that he doesn’t mean what is he doing watching him sleep like a weirdo, or what is he doing up so late. He knows what he means, and he wishes he could give him the answer he wants, but the right words elude him again.

                “I don’t know.” He whispers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse for posting this so late. The muses have not been friendly with me lately.  
> Also, I've been trapped by the wonder that is Hyungwonho so they just had to make an appearance.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who read, comented and left kudos, you deserve the world!


End file.
